Deep Thoughts

I used to love Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy on Saturday Night Live. Here are a few fun ones I thought I’d share:

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So sue me.”

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it “dull” that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn’t seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Why do they call it the slush pile? Is it because editors laugh hysterically while drinking Slurpees and douse the appointed sacrificial submissions with cherry-flavored slush, dancing and chanting a tribal ditty before slapping a rejection letter in the SASE? Yeah, probably not.

If an agent falls in the forest, does anyone hear it?

I think writing a synopsis is rather like the self-imposed torture ritual of stapling your toes to the back of a semi truck’s mudflaps, then driving over speed bumps repeatedly. Then again, maybe it’s like trying to write a query letter.