The Letter I’ll Never Send

Dear Editor: (I bow and grovel at your feet)

I am writing to ask about the status of my manuscript, The Best Book Ever Written. (Tell me now! I can’t stand it any longer! My head is about to explode and I’m now diving at the phone every time it rings, dreaming that it’s you on the other line!). It has been over three months(Okay, technically, it’s been nine months, thirteen days, 4 hours, and 37 minutes according to the time it left the post office. But who’s counting, really?), and I would like to know if you have made any decisions as of yet. (Buy my book. Buy my book. I’ll be your best friend. Pretty please?

Thank you so much for your time (I bow down to your greatness. I am unworthy to breathe the air you breathe) and I look forward to receiving your response. (Buy my book. Buy my book. You know you want it. I’ll give you chocolate.) An SASE is included for your convenience(But you really won’t need it because I know the angels will weep and the heavens will shine down once you’ve read my brilliant manuscript).

Sincerely,

Michelle (Soon to be the next Nora)